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Graceland’s #AlternativeFacts

Graceland’s #AlternativeFacts

Are you curious about what doesn’t happen at Graceland University? With the new research on the clever concept of #AlternativeFacts, it’s easy to pretend that outright lies are simply opinions, and it’s easy to believe that facts are now debatable. Here’s a list of “Alternative Facts” that pertain to Graceland:

1. Winter Term is coming back! In January 2018, Graceland students will take trips to see the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, Stonehenge, and the deepest craters of the Moon. On-campus courses will be offered in various departments, namely the famous “Painting the Bell 101” which used to be required for freshmen. If you haven’t signed up for Winter Term 2018, you’re already behind the times. Classes like “How To Create Stress Relief Hand Lotion” and “I Held A Baby Once, Am I Ready To Be A Parent?” are already filling up. Sign up before it’s too late!

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Before these dark days, students used to take trips to Des Moines to see hockey games during Winter Term. Now they’re forced to come back three weeks early and learn things required for their major. Oh, the horror.

2. The Coliseum is being renovated to hold three hundred more bats to hopefully give the theater more of a 4-D feel. With surround sound and 3-D visual effects already offered, it will be easier to add in other senses. After the bats are given sanctuary in the rafters, The Coliseum will begin to work towards its next “sense goals”: popcorn Scentsy’s in every outlet and vibrating gloves for every customer.

coliseum

Imagine these beautiful rafters decorated with bats. Breathtaking.

3. COSA has been destroyed! There will no longer be any campus events, and every student will be required to take two once-a-week night classes to make up for the time where they would have been ignoring their homework in order to “have fun” with their friends. Graceland no longer believes in having fun, and academics are going to be the only priority in the future “Graceland Experience”

airband 20

No more COSA would mean no more Airband. :(

4. Aaron House has been restored. After letting the house rest for the last three or so years, Graceland has decided that they needed to bring order back to the men’s halls. By reinstating Aaron House, Agape and Cheville will no longer be able to fight about being “the coolest guys’ hall on campus” – not that either of them were. The addition will be perfect, and the women’s halls will no longer have to endure being paired up with other women’s halls each semester. Everyone knows the only reason for the brother/sister hall pairing is to have dates for functions if you can’t find one on your own. The doubled amount of women always messes up the date flow, and it’s time for that to end.

aaron house

How could Graceland get rid of a house that had an annual pancake party????

5. The Commons is bringing back cereal! After the crazy debacle last year about cereal costing Sodexo too much money, the company finally realized the cereal is most definitely cheaper than the holiday meals they serve. Also coming back: Wing Wednesday! The most beloved day of the week has returned. Another great addition is pizza on the weekends, so no longer will the only lunch option on the weekends be meat and cheese on toasted bread.

wings

Wicked Wings + GU Students = 4ever.

6. Church services on campus will no longer be held on Sundays during the normal allotted time for prayer. Instead, the university will offer church on the top floor of Briggs at 4 AM on Tuesday mornings. Their reasoning? “If students really want to better themselves with gospel and love, they’ll make time for it.” Also, having the chapel open on Sunday mornings offers the space up to other events like classes called “How to Cyber-Stalk Your Professor On Facebook To Make Sure That Your Essay Won’t Offend Them” and “Truth Be Told, We’re All Going To Be In Debt After College”.

briggs

A trek to Briggs at 4 AM? No thanks. I’ll deal with the ghosts on the rest of campus.

After learning about of these alternative futures at Graceland University, it is easy to say that sometimes the church is better. Do people still miss Winter Term? Definitely. (#RIP.) Do people miss cereal? Of course. (It’s the only thing I ate freshman year if we’re being honest.) But some of the truths about Graceland are still pretty awesome. The university gives money to COSA every year to make sure that we have campus events to take up our time on the weekends so that we don’t have to make trips to Des Moines or Kansas City all the time, and included with COSA, Graceland allows students to see a chosen movie once a week at the local theater for free! These things don’t happen at every college, and the Graceland Experience is unlike any other.

And remember to think while you’re reading things on the internet. You never know what could be an #AlternativeFact.

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About Jenna Pitstick

Jenna Pitstick is a junior Theatre & Film and English double-major with an avid love for dogs, pancakes, and social justice. She is also co-president of Graceland’s Social Equality Alliance.

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