The year is 2018. Almost twenty years ago, if we were to ask people what sort of things they envisioned happening in the future, the general consensus was that we were at least going to be living like the Jetsons. Yet here we are, locking up our Tide Pods, and living in fear of our young adults getting hungry for a poisonous snack. What a time to be alive. Unfortunately, the dumb idea put on the internet has spread like lice. The Tide Pod challenge, as it is formally called, involves eating a tide pod. Real simple, real dangerous. I would hate to see a fellow Graceland student start craving a juicy and delicious serving of toxins, so use this article as a field guide of healthy alternatives to snacking on poison packs.
Here is a fun list of food items that are proven to suppress any tide pod cravings:
Pizza Rolls: If you like the idea of a pod, try one of these! They are delicious and actually made for human consumption! How great is that?
Twinkies: They may be toxic, but we haven’t had to lock them up yet!
Spam: Similar appeal to laundry detergent and known craving suppressor.
Jello: If you like the idea of not knowing what exactly you are putting into your body, try some of this on for size.
Chicken Nuggets: A personal favorite.
Deep-Fried Butter (on a stick!): Common staple of the Iowa State Fair, and chances of death due to consumption of this item are substantially lower than that of a Tide Pod. Plus it comes on a stick!
Gushers: If you like an explosion of flavor that pops in your mouth, might I suggest these fruity snack pods that possibly have real fruit in them.
Fruitcake: It’s disgusting, tide pods are disgusting. Win- win.
Escargot: Refer to the fruitcake, except this taste bud-teaser will add a dash of class to your life.
If none of these fun snacks seem to do the trick, please seek professional help. Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you do not eat any more Tide Pods. I do not want to live in a world where I have to show my ID to do my laundry.